I've written a lot this weekend...for me at least. I guess I've had some free time. This is the first weekend I haven't been in the hospital since I started. I've had the privilege of singing with the New City Church praise band...wow, that makes it sound so official :) It's really not...but it will be. It's going to be amazing. I love being a part of something so new and so passionate and so Jesus focused. I love my church.
Anyway. We sang this pretty phenomenal song..."It is Well with my Soul." Know it? I'm sure you do, but if not listen to it asap. It was one of those times when I sang it perfectly in practice, belting every note on key and not even struggling to remember the many verses. But then...in the worship service... I just couldn't do it. I got about half of the song out I think. (good thing I was only singing harmony).
I am not one of those people who talks much about the spirit of God moving. I know it happens and it's amazing when it does. But I've been so drilled with how our relationship with God isn't supposed to be about feelings and emotions all the time that I probably don't recognize the Spirit as much as I should. But I felt it this morning. I had some pretty interesting convo with Jesus the night before and then in church... Well, He was in there...
Back to "It is Well"....
Is it well? Do you believe that it is? I mean really. Not in a "yeah, Jesus died for me, of course" kinda way. But in a yes, it is well with my soul when kids die in house fires because their drunk father was passed out, or when a man murders his kids and shoots his wife or when teens OD on prescription drugs, and when your grandmother is dying of Alzheimer's and for some reason God won't take her home.
That is my problem. With me, it rarely feels well. I have such a hard time singing those words. Sometimes I just don't get it. I know that death is part of life, but how do you rationalize it all? How do you see the pain that people experience and just say....alright, it's okay.
I'm no theologian. I don't clain to know much about this song except I know the dude who wrote it had just lost his whole family in a shipwreck. But I think the words he wanted us to remeber are the verses. The chorus is great, but I feel like it mocks me.
The amazing part about the song is that it doesn't have to be okay with your soul! That's what I've decided anyway. Because he says, "My sin oh, the bliss of this glorious thought. My sin not in part but the whole. Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more, praise the Lord, praise the Lord oh, my soul." ...MY soul. My soul that doesn't feel like it's okay. My soul that questions the death I see daily and cries about the crap that doesn't seem fair. My soul that doesn't always get it.
It's okay because "Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and hath shed His own blood for my soul." He did that because He knew it wasn't always going to be well. He knew that I'd get mad and have doubt and questions...and yes, even anger. He planned on it. He can handle it. He can handle it because He is well and He understands every ounce of my soul.
not swallowed in the sea
8 years ago
4 comments:
I found you! Worship was great Sunday and the Spirit was powerful.
Your post reminds me of 2 things...
As to the emotions and worship - Jonathan Edwards wrote much on the proper balance here. The truth of who Jesus is and the reality of all that He has done for us - coupled with His beauty and glory should RIGHTLY stir our emotions.
The other - Hebrews 4: "14Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
even when it does not seem well with our soul - we can rest in knowing that our great High Priest is able to sympathize with us.
Keith, that's twice you've beat me to an encouraging response! Haha! When I looked and saw there was one comment I figured it was you. Anyway, enjoyed the post Jessica. Since Keith mentioned Edwards, here is a little taste of the banquet of books he wrote.
"God is glorified within Himself these two ways: 1. By appearing. . . to Himself in His own perfect idea [of Himself], or in His Son, who is the brightness of His glory. 2. By enjoying and delighting in Himself, by flowing forth in infinite love and delight towards Himself, or in his Holy Spirit. . . . So God glorifies
Himself toward the creatures also in two ways: 1. By appearing to . . . their understanding. 2. In communicating Himself to their hearts, and in their rejoicing and delighting in, and enjoying, the
manifestations which He makes of Himself. . . . God is glorified not only by His glory’s being seen, but by its being rejoiced in. When those that see it delight in it, God is more glorified than if they only see it. His glory is then received by the whole soul, both by the understanding and by the heart. God made the world that He might communicate, and the creature receive, His glory; and that it might [be] received both by the mind and heart. He that
testifies his idea of God’s glory [doesn’t] glorify God so much as he that testifies also his approbation of it and his delight in it."
I love you, Jessica.
I have been asking similar questions.
Whether Spafford intended it or not, I have never taken that song as a direction to look at all the pain and brokenness in this world and put on a smile and say "all things work together for good!" I'm sure you know the story behind the song, and I'm sure Spafford grieved for the loss of his son and daughters very much. I feel that someone who looks at all the shit we're mired in here and doesn't feel sorrowful or angry just isn't paying attention.
I think the song is about having faith that God will restore all things one day. That he will make all things new, bring justice to those who prey on others, and our faith will be sight, because of Christ. I don't know if that's exactly what's meant but that's what I think about when I sing it.
All this to say I wouldn't worry too much. I would be worried about you if you didn't feel angry and upset over the pain in this world. You and I have inherited our father's righteous anger, and it is definitely a double-edged sword. It can be used to do a lot of good.
Peace.
You made me cry.
I love you very much.
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