First let me say that I am really not an unhappy person. I feel like most of my posting are really dark, but honestly it's just the tough stuff that's in my head and sometimes I have to let it out. I do it mostly for me anyway, but I just wanna get that out there so no one freaks out on me. I love my job, my church, my family, my roommates and so on. I've just been thinking a lot lately.
I also hate it when people make disclaimers before they talk. So I apologize.
I'm just really tired of how black and white things have been the last 23 years of my life. And no, that has nothing to do with Obama/McCain. I mean right and wrong. True and false. Life and death.
You see, I was raised in this phenomenal world view and value system where things are either good or evil, right or wrong. There isn't that much gray area. And if someone mentions that there is, it is usually a cop-out answer to some theological question or a way of avoiding talking about hard issues.
I was reading this article a couple of days ago in National Geographic...random, I know. About King Herod and how he gets a bad rap because people just remember him as the dude that slaughtered all the babies trying to save his kingdom from Jesus. Anyway, the article claimed that it was very unlikely that Herod even did that because the only account of it is in the gospel of Matthew. When I read that I quit reading the article because I figured I would not agree with anything else it had to say.
Later I got so angry with myself. Why is it that I really think someone is capable of having all the answers? And yes, I do believe that the Bible is the inerrant Word of God, so therefore I disagree with some of that article. But where exactly do I get off in thinking that I can therefore learn nothing from its contents?
I'm not sure how that story even relates to my point in this posting. But what I'm getting at is that I've decided it's just not that easy. For as long as I can remember it's been you either know Jesus or you don't. To put it frankly, it's either heaven or hell.
And right now I'm having a hell of a time believing that. I mean, I get the gospel. As much as I can anyway. I'm not struggling with whether it's true or not, or how you get to heaven, or if babies that die in utero are damned...none of that stuff. I've been down those roads before.
The new issue is the whole life and death thing. Something that I never questioned before because I was never spending most of my week around dying people before. And yeah, as much as I hate it, most of the people that read this won't be able to relate.
I just don't get where your soul is. I mean, I know my friend Jess's soul who died last year is with Jesus, and I'm fairly confident that Hitler's is in hell. But I see so many people weekly that I'm not sure are anywhere.
There is this one man who has been IN MY HOSPITAL for over two and a half years. I have taken care of him in two different ICU's and his family refuses to let him go. But he is not there. He's completely contracted, nonverbal and unresponsive to any stimuli. But his eyes remain open. His heart is still beating. But I don't think I really believe that he is alive. Maybe I just don't want to.
Sometimes I feel that way about my grandmother. I love her so much, but I feel like she died several years ago when her Alzheimer's took her mind from her, so that she doesn't even know her own children.
And what about brain dead patients? Ones that we keep on ventilators and cardiac drugs that keep their bodies alive. Where are their souls?
I guess the black and white answer says that it doesn't matter. Either they knew Jesus or they didn't and they are either going to be with Him or they aren't. The gray answer says that we cannot know, God didn't intend for us to know everything. But that's just not good enough.
Because then what's the point? What's the point in praying for them or sharing Jesus with them...are they already gone?
Can a body still be alive when there is no hope for its soul?
That's what I don't get. And nothing about it looks white or black to me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Jessica - I have a similar Black/White background. It was sometimes a struggle to admit that there is indeed gray - and much that is unknown. Welcome to the real world! Faith is not KNOWING, it is believing.
Jessica,
I can identify with your struggle in having watched my grandmother wither away under the weight of dementia and a failing liver and watching my uncle pass through the fire of ALS (Lou Gehrig's). These are but the most personal examples that have served as the foundation for much of my wrestling on issues of life and death, heaven and hell, salvation and damnation. I can honestly say that I still have a lot of questions about those subjects, but I have come to realize those questions are still important but they are not as important as serving the people in the name of Christ who are caught in the wake of the reality these issues (i.e. the families who desperately want to try to keep their loved ones alive and the like). For example, as I raged against my grandmother's failing mind and shifting sand of reality in my own strength as if I could change it, one of the nurses step into the middle of my suffering and questioning and provided not an answer but true comfort in the name of Christ. This afforded me the ability to rest in the midst of a very difficult situation. Amazingly, I was able to grieve in the presence of God without all the questions answered which is really what I desperately needed and had been unable to do. Ultimately, I have come to see that this may be our greatest service to those who are left to wrestle on this ledge as opposed to the one who is dying or not in their right mind- to carry them into the presence of God and provide an environment where they can rest and grieve. Sometimes this comes in the form of direct contact and discussion, and sometimes it occurs through the way in which we serve their dying loved one recognizing the value they have placed on them.
I may have missed the boat of the essence of your struggle in this, but these are the thoughts that it stirred up in me. We appreciate your willingness to question. It helps the rest of us to not grow to confident or comfortable.
Jessica,
First, let me say please don't apologize for how dark this blog can be (although I would say, the black background is a little much). If this truly is therapeutic communication, it requires you to write about what helps you, not what we like. Besides, it's the internet. We can get light and funny somewhere else.
It's probably no secret to you that for the last 5 years or so I have also struggled with redefining all the clear lines I had drawn before I came to college. I think this is a common experience for people in general, Christians and non-Christians. I think growing older, becoming wiser, and seeing more of the world in all its pain and glory require either solidifying your beliefs into hard, unchangeable, lifeless doctrine or blurring them with the consideration of so many different ideas which at one time you thought you understood, but you come to find out you didn't at all.
I sympathize with your struggle. Lately I've been thinking about the story of Noah's flood. Do I really believe that the vast majority of scientists and archeologists, who have spent their lives in the pursuit of truth and knowledge, are wrong when they say there is no evidence to support a worldwide flood? That a handful of creationists are superior in their findings?
I know, I know, it's a treacherous path to go down... If Noah's flood didn't happen the way the Bible says it did, then what about creation? What about the virgin birth? What about the resurrection?
But I'm not so sure all is lost. I have come to the conclusion that Christianity is a lot simpler than all that. The Gospel message is really all one has to believe, and it's perfectly simple. So simple that when sharing our faith we don't have to convince someone of witches and giants and demons and talking donkeys - we have to communicate the message of the great rescue. When people start piling on all these other requirements (as Presbyterians are so very fond of), the good news gets lost fast I think.
I have nothing to offer about the question of whether a living body always contains a soul. I will say I'm not sure the Bible says it does, or if so where. But regardless, all I can offer is my experience, which is a journey that has led me to a place of knowing that if I concentrate too much on the unanswerable questions, and not enough on my relationship with Christ, well, that's certainly not Christianity, and it's certainly not helpful.
It used to anger me, but now I'm warming up to the idea that there might be more to the story of Noah's flood than science.
I loved your comment about not rejecting the article because you disagree with a portion of it. I loved your comment about not believing that one guy has got all the answers. These are ideas I resonate with.
I hope this helps. Here's a little more if you're interested:
http://guessworktheory.blogspot.com/2007/06/i-tell-you-more-i-think-more-i-feel.html
I love you.
Your brother
Post a Comment